So far, so good!
We (my IGPBS cohort) are halfway through our first semester of our PhDs, and I feel like I’m thriving.
CW: depression, anxiety, suicidality
However, I had a very hard week the second week of school. I was adjusting to the new schedule poorly, my body was making it hard to deal with stress, and there was a residual pain from a broken friendship earlier in the year that I wasn’t coping with well. I got behind in my studies due to depressiveness and inability to work a few nights, and the other nights it was just really difficult. Things didn’t improve until circumstances improved—there wasn’t much I could do to make things better beside rest/exercise, eat well, drink water, and wait a few days.
I know I’m taking a risk being open about depression, but one of my goals as a human—colleague, friend, relative, stranger—is not to be too secretive about my mental health experience. Depression and/or anxiety, both of which I’ve dealt with since puberty, affect a lot of people. It can be acute or situational, or it can be chronic. I take medicine that reduces the amount of time I spend depressed, anxious, and having suicidal ideation (I would put myself at a chronic low risk level). That means my medicine helps me experience joy, to care about/for others, to work, and to stay alive. I love science, and I want to do good science and treat people well along the way.
It is important to me that I do not deny my mental health status to myself. It is also important to me that I am visible to those who may be experiencing similar things—either for the first time or not—so that they may at least know someone understands and will not judge them or think they are less worthy of living, being loved, and being respected. Having depression and anxiety can be extremely isolating when it seems like everyone else has their life together or at least is better at hiding their issues, and that isolation can make it worse. Coming to know others’ mental health challenges helped me, and I want to help others the same way.
Before, I had more flexibility and fewer responsibilities, so it was easier to manage stress, depression, etc. by, for example, resting a lot on the weekend. My new reality meant I didn’t have that flexibility, so I needed help. I reached out to the student counseling center and got started with counseling right away, and that has been wonderful. I have one hour every two weeks. It is essential to my personal growth plan, which is currently only in my head; I would like to formally write down a personal growth plan soon.
This post was originally going to be about how I’m loving my PhD so far and how it feels like the right place for me to be, but it became something else. That’s okay. See you next time!
Emily
Image from Unsplash with user license. I do not own it.
